Surviving the newborn stage

Babies. They are lovely, aren’t they? All those long months of waiting and finally they are here in your arms staring loving back at you (well most of the time when they’re not asleep or screaming anyway). Everybody warned you that things would be really different. “Having a baby is hard,” they’d say. Of course, you knew that this was right, but if you are/were anything like me you were also completely clueless as to exactly how hard raising children is or exactly how much change a baby brings to your life. I honestly just thought, “I’m a teacher,” “I deal with classes or thirty children daily.” “How hard can it really be?” Whilst I knew that things would change once the baby was here, I stubbornly thought that most of my life would just carry on as normal. Things didn’t need to change if I didn’t want them to surely? The baby would just slot right in there! Ha!

I have described the newborn stage with my daughter as ‘hell on earth’. This is in no way a reflection on her, but a massive reflection on me and how unprepared I was. Obviously, I’d bought all the things and read all of the books, but modern society simply does not prepare women for the mental and emotional challenges that come with having a baby. It is the sleepless nights that really are a killer. Starved of sleep, our brains can go to dark places. Those first few weeks you are literally in survival mode, trying to gain back some control over your own body whilst all and sundry wants to pop by to have cuddles with the baby. Never mind how the mother might be feeling. Then worse still. After the novelty has worn off, they all suddenly disappear. Your husband or partner goes back to work, and you are left at home holding the baby not knowing what to do or where to put the baby down if you suddenly get an urge to pee.

Having been blessed (and despite what I’ve just written I really do mean ‘blessed’) with the opportunity to go through the newborn stage twice, I thought I would write down some of the things that helped me. The number one thing being the wise words of my aunt who reminded me in a lovely card that, however hard it might seem, it is ‘only a phase’. It does gradually get easier. You do eventually start to get some of your time and independence back. Just hang on in there mums.

The second most important thing to get your head around is that you simply MUST lower your expectations. In the age of social media, we are bombarded with pictures of women who seem to be expertly bringing up baby with full faces of make-up, beautifully combed hair and constant smiles. Worse still is when they then show off their organised, spotless homes. This is simply not the reality for 95% of women. I can only think that the other 5% literally have a team of people behind them to help as, let’s face it, social media almost always just shows the best of people’s lives. It only shows small snippets. Snapshots. If anybody comes round and has a problem with the way your house is, I suggest the following: Thank them for pointing out all of the unfinished jobs, remind them that you have just created a tiny human, and then ask if they would like to undertake the tasks so that they feel more comfortable next time they visit and have less to moan about. Honestly, the only person you have to answer to is yourself. Remember that. Whilst you might not be happy with the utter chaos that you find yourself in, cut yourself some slack. Then refer back to point one: It’s just a phase! It won’t last forever! If the only thing you do in a day is survive and keep your baby alive – that is enough. You are enough. You are doing great.

Following on from point two about lowering your expectations, you should also try not to let the opinions of others get on top of you. Notice that I’ve used the word ‘try’. I know that this is easier said than done. It is so easy to get into a spiral of resentment when rushing to do chores or get out for a walk. Sometimes you can feel as if your only doing it because you think that it is what others expect of you or because they may have helpfully suggested it. Know this. Whatever you do, you do it for you. Not for them. You do it because you want to, or you know it is right, or it will make future you feel better. This links back to lowering your expectations and not comparing yourself to others. I remember that my mum would constantly keep suggesting that I should take the baby for a walk in the pram because that is what helped her when she had me. Yes, the exercise and fresh air would have done me some good, but I resented that I then would have been doing it seemingly in her suggestion. This is obviously quite a negative mindset to get in. In the end, you do you. It’s up to you what you tell others, and it is up to you what narrative you want to share on social media. Better still, stay off of social media where possible. Comparing yourself to others or checking how many reactions your post has got is only going to bring you down. You’re better than that.

Alongside having a social media ban, my next piece of advise is one that you’ve probably heard a lot: Soak it all up! When you are in the thick of it, the newborn stage seems to last forever. But you’re a rational adult. You know that it doesn’t. Here it comes again: It’s only a phase! They really are only little for a small amount of time. Don’t waste those precious moments. It’s up to you if you want to photograph and video as much as possible or if you prefer to be more present in the moment. There is no right or wrong. The one thing I would suggest is that at some point you try to fit in a newborn photoshoot and include a family photo. These are the photos that you’ll look back on again and again. Better still, book one in before your due date so that it’s already in your calendar. If you’re worried about budget, you don’t necessarily have to use a professional photographer. There are lots of lovely props available to buy online or you could have a go at making your own. Ask a trusted friend to come round and take the photos for you! At least you’ll be somewhere where you feel comfortable, and you’ll have everything including outfit changes easily to hand. Whatever you decide to do, don’t waste this time. You can’t get it back.

Your health and happiness are important. Yes, you are the primary caregiver for this small helpless baby, but that does not mean that you always have to put their needs before your own. In fact, if you did that, not only would you suffer, they would too. If you are lucky enough to be able to breastfeed (or even if you aren’t/choose not to) you are definitely going to need snacks within arms reach and a big water bottle to fill up as and when. Being nap trapped and scared to move in case you wake the baby up is no joke. I remember that I went several days where I didn’t manage to eat any breakfast until after 12pm. Then I’d hastily attempt to pack in some lunch too for good measure only to then feel rubbish later. This is simply no way to live. You need to surrender to your situation and accept that your diet is going to have to change or be adapted for a little while. At the very least, make sure that you have some breakfast bars, crisps, or cakes to hand. The ideal diet can wait until later. Also, remember that peeing is a necessity for humans, not a luxury. If you have to take the baby with you into the bathroom to go and pee (maybe you have pets or something), do that. There’s nothing wrong with putting them on a towel on the floor even if they have to scream it out for a minute. You are human and you have needs too. Likewise, if you need to leave the baby safely somewhere whilst you go to the loo for a five-minute mind break. That is okay and completely normal. Please do not feel guilty. You need to be in the right headspace to be able to look after that child. Obviously seek help if you need to but know that most mums need to take five-minute mummy time out sessions at some point. Also, to save your back, use a backpack (rucksack) when you are out and about to help save your back when you are carting all those extra baby bits and bobs.

Next, I wanted to include a small note about ‘stuff’. Babies seem to come with a lot of ‘stuff’. You will undoubtedly be given/gifted lots of things for the baby by well intentioned relatives and friends. Remember that it is completely up to you what you want to do with it all (*wink*). You know what is best for your baby and it is up to you how you want to bring them up. There is no shame whatsoever in buying second-hand (Thrifted) items. In fact, I wish I had bought more second hand the first time around. It is insane how quickly babies go through clothing! I too fell down the hole of wanting ‘only the best’ for my baby only to then end up with clothing that had never been worn and still had tags on, books that were hardly read and toys that sat forgotten in draws. At the end of the day, newborn babies are not going to remember any of this when they’re older. The one thing I would advise in getting is some sort of sling or baby carrier. Again, you can find these second hand online or from sling libraries. Your back will thank you for it and it might help to save your sanity to get a few odd jobs done whilst having a baby that constantly likes to cling to you. Not all babies like to be carried and sometimes they go through phases, but it's definitely worth a try. I’d also recommend setting up zones throughout your home where you can put the baby down safely. Think: moses basket in bedroom, bouncer in the living room, pram in the dining room etc. You may also want to set up more than one changing station or have a caddy or bag that you can drag around where you need it. You can thank me later.

Finally, my most important tip of all is to ask for help when needed. I am not even going to say ‘if’ because all new mums need help at some point. You’ve probably heard the phrase ‘It takes a village to raise a child’. Well, guess what? It really does! As a species we are not meant to raise a child on our own. You are not doing your child any favours by suffering in silence. If you need help, ask for it. I will also add in here, that if you ask for help from friends and family (particularly those who haven’t had kids or who are a lot older) don’t be surprised if it isn’t very forthcoming. You cannot understand what raising a child is like unless you’ve been there yourself and older people all too easily seem to forget. If you think that you’re going to need some help, ideally ask for it as early as possible. In the UK your booking in appointment is ideal. Having recently lost my mum, it was crucial that I did this second time around and oh my, am I glad that I did. I’d also like to advocate for hiring in any extra help that you need. Whilst some people seem to think that there is shame in doing this, I’m here to tell you that there is no such thing.  If you have the means to do so then hire in a cleaner, even if it’s just for a one off clean. Pay someone to cook a meal or order food in. Do what you need to do to get by. Unfortunately, my husband and I didn’t have the means to do this, but if we did you can be assured that I would have taken the opportunity. Likewise, if you’re reading this and you know someone who is expecting or who has recently had a baby, help them as much as you are able. Don’t assume that they already have loads of people around them. Send them a care package, food hamper or offer to sit with the baby for an hour even if its just so they can go and fit in a nap. As a society I really don’t feel like we do enough to prepare women or indeed help them once baby is here. Thankfully it is slowly changing, but so much more still needs to be done.

Having a baby, planned or not, is a real blessing. It is hard. You’ll make mistakes along the way. You’ll come out of it a (slightly) different person. Yet you’ll also be stronger and have a completely different outlook than the one you did before.

You can do this mama!

Blessed be,

Lizzy