When the Universe Throws You a Curveball

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different my life has turned out to what I imagined it would be like. Certainly, when we’re younger we have all sorts of very wild and imaginative dreams full of colour, promise, and hope. We still have some of these when we get older into adulthood, but of course they change over time as we learn more and as we experience life. Over the last few years my life has changed, not quite beyond recognition, but from what I imagined it would be like even in the short term. My foundations have shifted and moved from under me. Obviously, we never want ‘bad things’ to happen to us. We don’t want our lives to turn out to be some sort of sob story or to think that we simply existed as a life for others to learn how not to be. But the truth is, that sometimes things happen to us that are out of our control, and which make us really stop, think, and have to re-evaluate our lives and the path or direction we are going in (whether we like it or not). So, I guess that this rambling is me trying to make sense of that and put a positive spin on it. I hope that others find this useful.

My main ‘issue’ or ‘hurdle’ that I’ve had to navigate over the past few years has been around the notion of accepting where I am now and the events that have happened. I lost my dad to cancer at the age of twenty. Since then, I’ve changed career path and reinvented myself. I’ve gone into senior leadership and then, for reasons outside of my control, dropped out of it. I’ve changed workplaces and felt incredibly happy and settled only to then sadly have to leave. I’ve lost the only grandparent I’ve ever known, a baby halfway through a pregnancy and most recently my mother. The happy ten-year-old me certainly never saw any of this happening! To be fair, why would she? We never like to imagine our lives being turned upside down. Do we? Of course, there have been lots of good things that have happened along the way, but learning to accept these ‘hurdles’ has been a big learning curve. Not just accepting that they’ve happened and that they are part of my story, but fully accepting them without any judgement or regret. Not easy.

I’m learning to be mindful of where I am right now. Right now, I know that I am safe, I am loved, and that my basic needs are met. I might not have ‘everything’, but I have enough for now. I am learning to accept that even the best made plans can and will change. Nothing ever goes 100% completely to plan. We don’t always have to be in control of everything. Even though we thought we knew what was best for us, and we’re now upset or dreading what is to come, the universe has our back. All of those dreams and hopes which can no longer happen, never were and were never meant to be. They were just dreams. Dreams that were shaped by our upbringing and the ideas, notions and expectations that our guardians and society as a whole placed on us. They were possibilities that for reasons we may never know or fully understand, never came to be. Perhaps they wouldn’t have been as good as we thought. Perhaps in some way they may have actually caused us harm or held us back, no matter how good they may have seemed. Maybe this new scenario will actually open up more doors and opportunities for us. Maybe we need to consider why we wanted them or why we thought that they would be good in the first place?

In terms of my own life, maybe this is a chance for me to step up into my power as the matriarch of the family. Certain family members were always very opinionated (which I admired in many respects), but sometimes their ideas were outdated and I’ve learnt how my family battled with their own mental demons surrounding social status and other people’s opinions, wealth and how much to save/spend, and ideas surrounding success and what that looks like. I grew up being quite fearful about not having their approval or disappointing them in some way. Especially having all of their attention on me as an only child. Now I know that I won’t have to worry about gaining their approval in the decisions that I make. If I end up owning less, would it be the worst-case scenario? Must we always strive to own more? Do we really ‘own’ anything? Whilst I worry a bit about my children not having that really grounding, gung-ho, hardworking influence and example that certain family members provided for me, I can still pass that onto them myself. Maybe to a slightly lesser degree so that they won’t feel as much pressure as they grow up. Maybe having certain family members on our doorstep would have somehow been detrimental to my relationship with my children. Maybe rather than giving them extra support and respite when needed, it may have driven us apart more as a family.

As far as my work is concerned, I know that whatever decision I make next will be my own. I know that I currently have a chance to reinvent myself again and change career paths if I choose to. I have the chance to set up my own business if I want to. I have the chance to stop and have a break whilst I raise my children, which is a choice that not many people have. Whilst I may not have options in terms of childcare and/or help around the house, (I do not have a ‘social village’ around me supporting me), I also don’t have to worry about pleasing others, fitting time for other people in, and I do have the means to hire in a little bit of extra help if I need to without worrying about judgement. Even if other family members were alive, would I have necessarily had the help or the right kind of help from them? Would they have actually been a hindrance? Were their comments actually always helpful or did some of them cause harm? Were they unintentionally passing on some of their life traumas which can now be realised and stopped from being passed on to the next generation?

Coming to terms with change that has happened and seeing things from a different perspective is so important for our mental wellbeing. It’s also really important in terms of developing our empathy towards ourselves and others. People aren’t inherently ‘evil’, and neither is nature or the universe. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Even if it’s just as an energetic reaction to something else. Lots of little events that add up over time to cause change. A bit like the so called ‘butterfly effect’. Wherever we find ourselves right now, we can, and we will move on from it. Good or bad, it is honestly only a phase! We can’t be sure that things will go the way we want them to. They might seem to get worse before they seem to get better again, just like we see with the cycles in nature and the seasons. There is a lot to be said for the power of gratitude and the realisation of ‘what’s different?’. The fact that we have beaten a million odds just to have been born is cause for some celebration. Just to have been given the opportunity to have and experience life. Even if your ‘what’s different?’ is being armed with more information about what could potentially go wrong, at least you have more knowledge, realistic expectations, and experience with dealing with things should they ever happen again. You know that you’ve got through it once. Yes, that might be once more than you would have liked, but you did it. You survived. We could all wallow in self-pity, but we cannot change the past. We can be anxious about what’s to come (something which I can be very good at), but unless we try and use that to our advantage it’s probably not going to help us right now and may cause us more harm.

Let’s try to be kind to ourselves, truly see ourselves and appreciate where we are right now and accept whatever will be.

Blessed be.